Ash Williams And The Poisonous Massage Oil

Ash: The Daily Talk Show.

Josh: It's The Daily Talk Show, episode 483.

Tommy: It's Weekend Banter, and Ash Williams has stumbled into the studio.

Ash: Thank you, guys. Welcome to Melbourne. This is the fastest, like, almost back-to-back episode anyone's ever done.

Josh: Yeah, you're getting up there.

Ash: Yeah, yeah, 3 weeks ago or something I was on the show.

Tommy: Yeah, I reckon it was. Uh, you're in Melbourne, so we thought we need to get you in. We wanted to show you the office. First of all, give us the Ash Williams run-through of The Daily Talk Show headquarters.

Ash: Mate, it's, um, it's very professional, you know. You got, uh, Mr. 69 behind the decks there, pants off. Um, no, it's, it's impressive. And, you know, what are you paying a month again?

Tommy: Can you say that? Nah, definitely not.

Ash: No, it's quite a lot for anyone listening. Um, but we're in Abbotsford, it's cool. Um, and, um, have you signed a lease for what, 12 months or 2 years?

Josh: 2 years.

Ash: Good.

Tommy: What's the other option?

Josh: What do you think?

Ash: You can go fucking month to month, you know.

Tommy: Have you ever had a commercial lease?

Ash: Yeah, well, we spoke about this when I had the, uh, commercial lease.

Tommy: Commercial meaning commercial?

Ash: Yes, I was month to month. I'm not even joking. I used to own a business called Hot Under the Collar, and I had a month-to-month lease with a guy called Rod Stoller in South Melbourne. And I used to lease out the executive boardroom and pay, I think it was $500 a month, month to month.

Tommy: Hot Under the Collar? Yeah, it was this, uh, topless services How do you know?

Ash: Did you work for me?

Tommy: No, I had a business that was strippers and topless waiters, as in men.

Josh: Yeah.

Ash: And but I was before yours. There's no fucking way.

Tommy: You was yours.

Ash: Oh mate, don't insult me, I'll fucking leave.

Tommy: Oh, well, no, no, actually, let's have this out. What year was that?

Ash: So it would have been 2007 to maybe, or 2008 to 2010. 10, and then I sold it to a dude.

Josh: When you say you— so I'm always curious, people who sell businesses, was this a proper sale or did you go into liquidation?

Ash: I sold it to a dude called Josh. Okay, not you, um, just so you know. Um, no, no, because, uh, about a year into the business, a guy who was working for me, uh, one of the topless waiters, was so good at his job and I said, come in for a meeting, uh, you know, sometime. And Uh, give me a blowjob. No, no, he was like— and he's— I said, listen, man, I can tell you, you know business. And he's like, I know, I know. I'm like, do you want to, you know, become a partner? And he said, yeah.

Josh: So like a legal firm or something?

Ash: Yeah, what did he do? I don't think he, um, even paid for partnership. I said, you can just pay me when the money comes in. And then it got to the point where I was like, I was working on Nova 100 with Susie and Kate full-time, so I couldn't actually do the business. And then I was like, I'm gonna sell the business to Josh and I sold the whole thing to him for $15 grand.

Tommy: That's not too bad. 19, so I'm 31 now. So how many years ago was that when I was 19? 12. So 12 years ago, 2009. Same year, 2007 is when I had my business.

Josh: So you guys were competing.

Tommy: But I did my market analysis and I didn't see Hot Under the Collar.

Josh: What was your business called again?

Tommy: Aussie Spunks.

Josh: 97, can you look up Aussie Spunks and see if we can get some form of ABN record Aussie spunks. Yeah, well, you don't believe that because we'll be able to see the year that it's true.

Tommy: I thought you just—

Josh: no, you've got fucking stamps. Before we get started, we need to, uh, yeah, uh, we need to wish you—

Ash: no, no, fuck, fuck you. Happy birthday. I don't know how you're gonna say that. It's for wine. For wine. Wine can wait. So, um, sorry, wine, uh, personal joke. I don't really get it either, uh, for anyone listening. But, um, no, no, no.

Tommy: So did you ever, like, make a profit Uh, no, because we were spending cash, but we were making cash. So I mean, at what point is a business really profitable?

Ash: Well, because it was, we were taking up a lot of money.

Josh: No, but so you, uh, you'd pay salaries, and then after salaries are paid, there's no salaries being thrown.

Ash: I was—

Tommy: no PAYG. You pay super? Yeah, contractors. Josh was, um, in charge of that, and we don't know if Josh ever did it.

Ash: No, no, Josh did that. We, we had two full-time staff, and they fucking that's why we're out of business. Because like, we, you know, you guys understand business. Sometimes you book a job and you think, you know, I need staff. And when you're paying a full-time wage, that's when the wheels come off.

Tommy: All right, we're getting into biz dev with Ash Williams. The thing about some businesses you could think make— so there's a business that generates cash flow, and so month on month they're bringing in money, but they've either spent money on the setup costs and their outgoings are quite high, that they are covering their outgoings, but there is still money that has been outlaid. And so your business, you're saying—

Josh: I had no debts.

Tommy: You had no debts. You'd spent— because the thing is, it's not that bad to have debts in a business because the whole idea of the business is that you're investing for it to grow to then be able to fund it.

Ash: Totally.

Tommy: And And so what was that? What was that hot under the collar?

Ash: What do you mean?

Tommy: Profitable. When you say profitable.

Ash: Oh no, you said like a big gross. So it was maybe like $150 grand gross.

Tommy: That you made? That's not bad.

Ash: Yeah, that's great. That's gross. But then we're going to pay the staff. I remember I used to always yell at this guy because he was just always eating lunch at his desk. And I'm like, when are you going to do some fucking work?

Josh: Wait, you would actually have desks? They would come in?

Ash: No, so I had the best desk and then I had Josh on like, Actually, Josh had equal desk when he came on to become a partner. I said, good news for you, you get the same desk as me. And then I've got these two others who were on the lower desks and I could see them. And then I would just say, kind of like Donald Trump would like come into the boardroom, I would say to this guy called Steve, I said, come in, come in. I'm paying Steve more than me and Josh are making together. Steve's making the most money.

Josh: And what was Steve doing?

Ash: He was meant to acquire new business. He said he knew someone from Coca-Cola.. And I— this never happened. So like Steve was like, yeah, like 3 months just eating fucking like so much food. Like he's always eating, you know. I just like would go, hey, come into my office. And I just give him warning. I just go, it's a warning. I think I gave him like 20 warnings and it was never— he goes, yeah, but you're gonna ride it out? I get, no, it's in my head. By the way, you're on quite a few. And then, um, anyway, I think Steve One day just never showed up.

Josh: And so was he the business dev guy? Is that what he was?

Ash: Um, I don't know what's— oh, business development. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One day he knew though that he was going to get fired and he just never came back.

Josh: So how do you think he knew?

Tommy: I told him tomorrow I'm going to fire you.

Ash: So nobody knows. He just didn't turn up for like 2 weeks. And I said to Josh, I said, where's Steve? And he goes, I think he knew that you were going to fire him. Yeah, because I was really angry one day.

Josh: Why?

Ash: I was just like, where's the Coca-Cola?

Tommy: And so what—

Josh: hang on, for the, for the The business, its service was topless.

Ash: No, no, we transitioned, um, to podcasting. Yeah, no, two promos. So we were dealing with Lacoste, um, and all of these other promo agencies and doing all their promos around Australia.

Josh: So now the Coca-Cola thing makes sense because you guys were— you're almost like a street team without a radio station.

Ash: Kind of, kind of. We're bigger than that. We're bigger than— take the radio station out, we had like a lot of staff working like maybe 200.

Tommy: And so what is the, the thought in that back then about what you want in life? What do you— were you actually trying to build, become businessmen? Is that your—

Ash: well, back then, um, but you know, that, that's what this office reminds me of, Hot Under the Collar, because you guys are like going on a journey. You are, and it's exciting. You're on the roller coaster and you're like barred in, in the little, um, you know, carriage, and you're gonna have Ups and downs.

Josh: And so would you do it again?

Ash: No, fuck no. Because, you know, I'm doing my own roller coaster now and I can control that and it's better. I'm having more fun, you know, just, just doing my own thing. But, um, if you haven't got many options, then, then the business is good. I always started the business with the, the vision that if my career, my, you know, comedy career, um, kind of got to a level, I would just fuck off. I put under the collar.

Tommy: But then is it not— is it you not going all in on the creative thing? Like the com— you know, for you, the comedy, the, the stand-up, the radio stuff is like the creative.

Mason: Now I'm all in.

Ash: I've been all in for like a bit over 10 years.

Tommy: Yeah. And so for you selling that business, was that when you actually went all in?

Ash: Uh, probably, yes, it was. Yep. I wasn't, um, a foot in both camps, but I remember the meeting actually with Josh because I was like, you know, do you wanna buy the business? And he said, yeah. And by this stage he was sitting in my office. So I was, I had a meeting with him in my office and I didn't know what to charge for the business 'cause it was really hard to quantify.

Josh: Yeah. I think they say something like, is it 3 years?

Tommy: 3 years revenue.

Josh: Yeah, but that's fucking crazy. That would've meant that he would've dumped.

Tommy: Yeah, of course, but that's what it, really. If the books checked out. He should've dumped the books, checked out.

Josh: If the books checked out.

Tommy: No, but this is, it's even worse.

Ash: Promo companies have like massive growth.

Tommy: Yeah, but if— yeah, and so, but it's then based on looking at the books. I used to try— when I was a personal trainer, another career, trained a guy who specialised in funding, uh, getting people finance to buy, um, restaurants and cafes and shit. And he was like, it's that 3-year revenue, but then it has to make sense if the business is a hot, like non-profit.

Josh: But $150,000 is not much gross. No, but you wouldn't buy more than one.

Tommy: You wouldn't buy that business for 3 times $150,000.

Josh: But even to the point of like, we're doing a big amount of gross, like $150,000 is not very much.

Ash: No, it's not much, but like for a very, very small business.

Josh: I mean, if you're paying $500 a fucking month for the lease and you've got small operating costs.

Ash: No, every month Rod, the landlord, would come in and he thought that I was like out. He's like, do you want to keep the room for another month? I'm like, yeah, yeah, he is. You do?

Josh: You do?

Ash: Because the phone never rang. Yeah, like, and, um, that sometimes rang.

Josh: But, uh, so when you were— when you're sitting there with Josh, he's in your seat, and he said— and you say, mate, do you want to buy?

Ash: Yeah. And I remember it was one of those moments where I was like, let's keep this very smooth, okay? We want this to be a very clean deal. My younger brother, who was studying medicine, was out the back. Like I said, you just loiter. But it was good to have the family support there for the deal. And then I just said, I didn't even negotiate. I just said, Josh, I think $15,000 is fair. I think that's a good deal.

Tommy: I mean, we don't have to laugh.

Josh: The thing is that like we can't laugh. Like we literally sent a document to people saying we want to be paid this amount. And they're like, nah. I'm like, okay. Like it's very similar. And so he said yes. And so you're fucking spoiled. Do you wish that you charge more? Were you like, no, make it $30,000.

Ash: No, I couldn't believe that he was going to pay that. And I remember walking out of there going, fucking, that was a wonderful deal.

Tommy: And what, um, and is that business still around?

Ash: No, no, it went bust about 6 months later.

Tommy: Really?

Ash: Yeah, yeah, because I was instrumental in keeping the relationships alive and Josh was, um, more of the organization.

Josh: You still friends with him?

Ash: Yeah, went to his wedding. There's the proof.

Josh: I mean, yeah. And so What was the point where you're like, I need to get out of the business?

Ash: Because I wasn't working in the business as much as Josh, and it just wasn't fair. So I was working full-time with Hughesy and Kate every morning, breakfast radio. You just knackered. Yeah, I'd walk into the office and just do nothing. And then, um, would he say stuff to you? No, because I'd still throw in ideas, and I would like more be on him going, you should do this, I'll do that. But you know what it's like working together. Imagine if you two weren't working together. Two minds are better than one often, and you kind of inspire each other. So, you know, even me popping in there for a second helped Josh, definitely.

Tommy: What's your relationship with collaborating? So working with other creatives on projects, so you got team effort that you—

Ash: I think it's always good. No, I write comedy with friends, you know, it's, it's a good conversation because you might not even get the idea from the person you're talking to, but by speaking it out, you might give yourself the idea.

Tommy: What about when money is a part of the equation?

Ash: Yeah, I mean, business is always, um, you know, a little bit undulating, but you know, in the sense of like, some people can be dodgy people, but fuck, you can't— I haven't met too many.

Josh: What does it mean to write Seriously, what does it mean to write with other people? What does that actually— can you give us an example where you've done that recently?

Ash: So I'll just catch up with a stand-up comedian buddy and we'll just like go over some bits.

Josh: So you, are you in a lounge room and you like stand up?

Tommy: No, we're at a cafe usually, or like $20 sai bowl just about to come out.

Ash: Yeah, or in my office, which is the food court at Bondi Junction.

Tommy: It's a good one.

Josh: You saw George Kolumbaris there the other day.

Ash: I saw Georgie.

Tommy: Yeah, what did he How did he look? He's had a bit of a kick in the dick.

Josh: It was a bit of a joke because there was a guy—

Tommy: the fake one, the fake one—

Josh: he looked a lot like George Colin Barrack.

Ash: Did I tell you that?

Josh: No, you posted it on Insta.

Ash: Yeah, but you're the only one who knows it wasn't the George.

Josh: No, you actually— no, you, you— someone's screaming out there.

Ash: It's okay, this one of your fucking fruits. I can hear like— I can hear someone downstairs.

Tommy: No, it is, but they're outside.

Ash: Yeah, there's just a lot of heroin around here.

Josh: All right, no, you actually— you did a post where you're like— or maybe it was even on Team Effort or something— you were like, I can't believe all these people. Maybe it's a I can't remember where it was.

Ash: Yeah, but, um, so that's your office, the food court.

Josh: But what food, what do they actually have there?

Ash: A porto? Um, no, it's schnitz.

Tommy: Okay, but they've got everything. They've got Mexican.

Josh: The thing with schnitz, for the longest thing, they don't have Nando's.

Tommy: True, true.

Josh: You know, the funny thing about schnitz is for the longest time they didn't have the calorie counts on there because you don't— if you have less than 20 stores around Australia you're not obligated to put the nutritional value.

Tommy: Is that true?

Josh: Yeah. And so that's interesting. So when I was like trying to lose weight, I'm like, guys, I need the fucking calories. And like, sorry, we don't have to do it. I'm like, okay, I've just got to fucking trust you on this one. I'm just going to trust that they're okay. It's like, turns out like for fucking a year I was eating schnitzel thinking that I was doing it. I was over calories every fucking day.

Ash: So they're now over 20 stores. Yeah.

Josh: So you can see, it was an Nightmare. Yeah, I stopped having it. It's as naughty as you might as well.

Tommy: It was deep fried.

Ash: It's, it's like delicious, a lot of sauce and stuff in it. But anyway, so you're at it. Um, um, no, so yeah, we just catch up.

Josh: They're creamy.

Tommy: No, we get it, mate.

Josh: Fried and creamy.

Ash: Paid ad for schnitzel, by the way. Um, but no, so we'll just go over bits and then like sometimes by like, um, voicing your bit, you'll then— it's like a Tetris puzzle. You'll just go, oh yeah, cool, actually, you know what, I can finish finish it like that. And it's just a good way of collaborating and seeing, um, storeys and material sometimes from 30,000 feet above, you know what I mean? If it's not your personal story, you can see the roadmap a bit more.

Josh: Are they similar to you? Do you think it's better collaborating with people that are similar or different?

Ash: Definitely not. Oh, it doesn't matter. It's just people who you respect and think are funny, that's all.

Tommy: Yeah, it's only one Nash Williams.

Ash: Yeah, there's a couple of, um Dude's coming up who I could fucking sue him, I reckon, for being—

Mason: Really?

Ash: Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy who's going— I'm not going to say who it is, he's a friend of mine, but he's got so many storeys which are almost identical to mine, like identical, and they're so off the beaten track, you know.

Josh: He's got a podcast, Who the Hell Is Hamish?

Tommy: Have you, have you found anyone stealing your jokes?

Ash: No, no.

Tommy: I mean, it's either bad or good. Bad because Not big enough. Good. It happens.

Ash: No, I'm more of a storyteller anyway, you know. I've got, um, obviously jokes in the stories, but the storeys themselves, they're pretty hard to replicate.

Josh: Oh yeah.

Ash: So that's why, you know, when I've seen this other comedian who's got like this really weird storey about how when I was almost a male prostitute in Los Angeles, he has the same storey but in New York. And I'm like, what? And then I've, I've been— I've walked in on a conversation with him and another girl and he's telling this storey and I've actually stopped him and go, bro, this is my story. Are you telling, are you telling this girl my story? And he's like, no, it's my story. And I'm like, there's no way to prove it. Yeah, there's no way to prove it.

Tommy: Can you tell us about— because we are going to LA, uh, in the next couple of months, in the next month, 2 weeks away. Fuck, 2 weeks away. We're going to LA.

Ash: Good.

Tommy: I was mentioning to the boys that I've been to a gay club in LA. It was pumping, heaving. I was a fresh piece of meat. I felt, you know, I was definitely eyed off because they knew.

Ash: When was this?

Tommy: This is 2012. You know, the great year of LA.

Ash: Oh yeah, of course. It was the best year of LA.

Tommy: Yeah. What's that? I know I've heard you talk about it, but what was the almost becoming an escort? What was that?

Ash: So that was— I was on a model website called Model Mayhem. It's like a dodgy, like, fucking— StarNow's dodgy, but it's dodgier than StarNow.

Tommy: I've got a lifetime membership with StarNow.

Ash: Do you?

Tommy: I won it.

Ash: You're joking. Did you win the scholarship?

Tommy: Oh no, I just won this thing that was a competition on StarNow.

Ash: Yeah, I saw that. It was like, what?

Tommy: Oh, the scholarship in 2012, mate. It was a great year. Yeah, one of the best years.

Ash: It was like the show business scholarship, like they guaranteed.

Tommy: I flew over to LA. That's how I got there. What? Yeah, I won it. It was like a $10 grand trip.

Josh: So now he's got his own podcast.

Tommy: Now look at me.

Ash: Have they done a follow-up story? Where are they now?

Tommy: Yeah, yeah, definitely not.

Ash: They should. Is it just you or did they give it to a girl as well?

Tommy: Just me, but they've done it multiple times and part of it was the free lifetime membership of StarNow.

Ash: Fuck. Do you use it?

Tommy: Uh, I don't have enough— where my login is.

Ash: Yeah, you should use it. Um, and it's pretty fun.

Josh: So Modeling Mayhem is the equivalent but a little bit sleazier.

Tommy: Still around.

Josh: You know what, start now.

Mason: I'm just trying, uh, Modeling Mayhem is around. Modelmayhem.com.

Ash: It's modelmayhem.com.

Mason: Yep. I can't find you on it though.

Ash: Yeah, no shit, because, um, the name I was using was Asher— Asherson. It's under Asher. Um, but, um, just to go back a second, when I was um, working at Hot Under the Collar, we used to cast from StarNow if we needed something.

Josh: They're actually doing a bunch of aggressive marketing at the moment. They're like, Chief Operations Officer was in Melbourne trying to reach out to production companies saying, hey, you guys should use the service.

Ash: Yeah, you shouldn't though. Like, they're still the worst. StarNow will never be good. No offense, Tommy.

Josh: Um, and so Model Mayhem is just the— yes, sorry about the bugs if anyone's saying that, bro.

Ash: No, so Model Mayhem, I got this message from this guy called Garen. So Garen with a G.

Josh: He was doing a similar thing to Asher. Asher Simpson.

Tommy: Yeah, absolutely.

Josh: Asher Simpson.

Ash: And he's like, do you want to catch up for a coffee? I'm like, sure. So we met at—

Tommy: Hang on, was that all he said? Was there— there's an opportunity here for you?

Ash: He said that it was just an opportunity.

Tommy: Yeah.

Ash: And then he called me, sounded legit, said, do you want to meet at the cafe near the airport? I'm like, what do you mean? Which one? And he's like, there's one right near the airport. I'm like, okay, I think I know where it is. So it's like about 50 metres from the airport.

Josh: Is it near In-N-Out? I think so.

Ash: It's when you turn right for LAX, it's just on the left, last kind of— it's like kind of like a motel, um, setup. So he's like, um, sitting there before I get there and he's like, yo Ash, come over, Garan. Oh yeah, man, what's up? And then like I quickly realised it was like, you know, um you know, prostitution.

Tommy: It's an escort.

Ash: Yeah. And he's like, yo, so you want to make some money, bro? I'm like, yeah, yeah, what is it again? And he's like, all right, so it's companionship. That's the key word, companionship. And you get like, um, it was $400 for 2 hours, right, for dinner. And then if you do overnights, it's like $1,000 a night. And if you do a weekend, it's like, I think it's $3,000. And I'm like going, dude, that's good money. And, and I go, so just to clarify, like do I have to sleep with the women? And he's like, no bro, no bro. And he's winking at me, no bro. And I'm like, what do you mean? Like, why?

Josh: I go—

Ash: I didn't say— actually, I didn't say anything because I was like, I don't want to make this weird, but I'm pretty sure he winked at me. And I go, so again, just to clarify, do I have to— do I have to sleep with him? He goes, no bro, no bro. And I'm like, why are you looking at me? Why are you winking at me? And he's like, I'm not. And then he'd wink again. And I go, no, you are. Like, you just winked again. And he's like, no, I'm not winking, bro. And I'm like, all right, your word against mine, I guess. Well, that's, um, and then your wink against mine. And then, um, I left, and then he called me up and he goes, hey, I just want to apologize. Um, yeah, I was winking at you because I thought you were wearing a wire. And I'm like, oh cool, man. So, so what is like you know, sex. He goes, yeah, man, if you, if you want to have sex, you can, you know, it's— that's what it is. But yeah, I thought you were an undercover cop because prostitution is illegal in LA. So I was like, yeah, it still made no sense because what's changed from then to now that I could still be wearing a wire? So he's like, no, no, I just know you're not a cop. I watched you, uh, get on the bus. So, uh, so then I, um, I ended up doing the job. I did one of the companionship jobs, which was just purely Japanese and champagne.

Tommy: It's $400.

Ash: Yeah, but for 4 hours it was $800. $800 with a woman named Jenny. She gave me $800 in a Hello Kitty envelope. It was sick.

Josh: Yeah, and she was like 50 or something.

Ash: She's about 50.

Josh: And what did you— I've heard this story. Yeah, what did you do?

Ash: No, we just had a nice time, and, um, I was like thinking kind of, um just doing the sums morally in my head, like thinking, can I actually do this? So this is a big fork in the road in my life. And weirdly, that day I'd come off the set of The Exes, and I was working with Wayne Knight, who's Newman from Seinfeld. So I'd literally come off the set with Newman from Seinfeld and gone to this date in Ventura Valley and made $800. So I was like, what do I do?

Josh: How much of this are you thinking, okay, this could be good content? Like, how many— like, does that unlock the thing of—

Ash: no. Because my whole thing is like, if it's good content for stand-up, then it's worth it.

Mason: But this—

Ash: everything up to this point is good content for stand-up. But then I was like, but hang on, if I go through with this and I start sleeping with her or women and I'm paid $3,000 a weekend to sleep with women, I think it loses a little bit of the, the comedy value.

Josh: So is part of it maybe that you did do it but you've removed it due to comedy value?

Ash: I just was like, would I go on stage?

Josh: Have you fucked people for money?

Ash: Have I?

Josh: Yes.

Mason: No.

Josh: Okay.

Ash: No. Uh, let's get straight to the point. Um, no, I guess that's a question because the thing is, like, honestly, how much you got? I'll fuck you if you want. But, um, no, no, because I was like putting it through my brain filter of like, would I tell this storey on stage? And my gut instinct was like, it doesn't feel that funny. Everything up to the sex is funny.

Josh: Yeah, yeah.

Ash: Do you know what I mean?

Tommy: Yeah, yeah, the dancing with that line, the moral line, because most people's line is at a lot earlier and then crossing the intercourse line is like huge.

Ash: Well, that's it, and that's massive. And then you're that person.

Josh: And then there is a part of it though that you're like, actually, if I sleep in the same bed with her, that's still on that line, that could still be funny.

Ash: Like spooning, but I think it would have been like a fait accompli or expected that I would have slept with her. Yeah, do you know what I mean? Because Jenny was like, Jenny said this, this is what Jenny—

Tommy: the— what did Jenny say?

Ash: Well, I said to her, I said, Jenny, what are you doing? You know, you're so beautiful, you know, why are you spending all this money?

Tommy: God, he's good for the $800.

Ash: Also, my name was Jasper, so this is— I'm Jasper on this. And, um, so she picked the name. Did she think that's your actual name? I told, um, Garen that I wanted to be Jasper. For, for this.

Josh: Just how'd you come up with that name?

Ash: Because that's my tickling video name, right? So then, so then, uh, Jenny's like, oh, Jasper, you know, my husband, um, he doesn't make love to me anymore. She said, I used to give my husband 3 blowjobs a day and now he doesn't want any. And I'm like, Jenny, this storey's breaking my heart, you know? And I go, you're so beautiful.

Josh: And what did Jenny do for work?

Ash: I don't know. And I was like, look, then I was like starting to think like maybe I should be with Jenny. Like, and then I was just like, anyway, look, it's been great catching up. I must have had like 2 bottles of champagne, all this sushi. I was cooked.

Josh: And then is it already agreed that you are not like— do you have to in that date work out whether you're going to do the night?

Ash: Uh, no, no, the night was already, um, off the card. Yes, it was just, it was just the 400. It's like a chemistry read, like when you, you're an audition for an acting job. Do you know what I mean?

Tommy: Were you nervous?

Ash: I remember I was very like, this could fucking end badly. Like, just in the sense, like, it was an unknown. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know who the woman was going to be. I was in Ventura Valley, which is like where it's pretty dodgy anyway. So like, after the date, I'm really pumped because I've got $800 US. And then I got a call from Garen straight away saying, bro, bro, way to go. She likes you. She wants to go on the weekend date. $3,000. You could be the best we've ever seen. You could be one of the top dudes on my website. I'm talking like $200, $300 grand a year.

Josh: What do you reckon? What do you reckon he's getting out of that cash-wise?

Ash: He's getting 20%.

Josh: So did you have to take the money from the Hello Kitty envelope?

Ash: No, I don't know what happened to Garen's thing. I just— he said $800. I think that Jenny paid him $200 or something.

Tommy: Finding fee.

Ash: Yeah. So then, um, anyway, I just said to Garen, I said, Garen, I need the weekend, man. I remember walking through like Zara or something and I was like, geez, Grove. No, I was still at the Valley there. And, um, I was like, yeah, this is a real, real pickle. And I took the weekend and then I just called Garen on Monday. I said, sorry, man, I can't do it. And he said, Jenny's going to be devastated. I said, well, I'm devastated for Jenny. Just tell her I, I think she's great. And that was it.

Josh: Do you think you'd be more comfortable to have sex with Jenny if she didn't pay you?

Ash: Yes.

Tommy: Well, because then it's not— you're not being— it's not prostitution.

Josh: Did that come to, to mind?

Ash: Yeah, of course. Because also the money's so good that once— it's almost like heroin. Once you've done it, then you've done it. And why wouldn't I just keep doing that?

Tommy: I wouldn't be here now.

Ash: I would be the best prostitute. I would be so rich.

Tommy: I know a guy that got into it and it was— it's— he got it too— it was too easy. He's made too much money doing it.

Ash: It's too much and you're not forced to dig in terms of like, um, you know, accessing your, your talent stack in the sense of like, what else have you got? I feel like it's cheating a bit.

Tommy: Everything comes at a cost. Yeah, there's an emotional cost to that.

Ash: You pay for it. Yeah, you pay for it for sure.

Josh: I mean, most people who enter into that world, they end up having substance abuse issues, like they sort of try and medicate. Have you ever had any substance abuse issues in your life?

Ash: Loves this, doesn't he? Fucking Jerry Springer over here. Um, no, no, I'm pretty good, I guess, because I came into a lot of this stuff in this cowboy— actually, weirdly, the website for the prostitution, um, dudes was Cowboys for Angels. That's what the, um, the website was if you want to look it up. But, um, no, I came into all this stuff like, you know, late. You know, I had the, the business. I was— I had a kind of normal life until I was about 27, 28. So you're, you're a bit more formed. If I was doing this stuff like when I'm 19, 20, 21, I would definitely be like, I'd have a drug issue or something for sure.

Mason: Definitely.

Josh: And so is part of it that you are doing some form of performance? Like, uh, you look at Louis Theroux back in the day and he fucking would do— he got the photo taken of him for the porno and stuff like that. Is that you? Are you actually the ultimate professional that can play in that realm but not go as far as to enter into the subculture?

Ash: Um, I guess, I guess so. I guess I've done a pretty good job of, um, you know, getting my feet wet without getting the head wet. Pardon the pun. You know what I mean? Like, it's all, um, I think it's all about mining for the comedy as well. It's like, where's the, where's the comedy? Cool, cool, cool. I'll get out while I'm kind of ahead. It's gambling. You are actually gambling in reality.

Tommy: Well, you see LA does spit out people. It gobbles them up and spits them out.

Ash: I know, it's dangerous stuff. I gotta be honest with you, man, I've been lucky. I could have been killed so many times. Like, I've gone into hotel rooms with dudes who I didn't know, um, you know, I met off Craigslist. And you know, that's like— I'm applying for jobs off Craigslist, that's like auditioning to get murdered, do you know what I mean? So I'm like always just like, yeah. And then this one guy was like, oh yeah, you should come to the hotel. I'll pay you $200 to take photos of you for a magazine. And I just walked into this hotel and I knew it was sus. This guy was like 65 and all the clothes are like strewn out over the bed, right? And he goes, I've got all your wardrobe here, are you ready? And then we did about 3 hours of shooting, right? And I didn't know this guy, but he could have killed me.

Tommy: What was the ad?

Ash: I quickly found out. I said, what magazine is this? And he goes, no, no, no, this is actually just for practice. This was all just to keep my skills up so that I'm sharp for the magazine. This won't be in the magazine. I'm like, okay, right, so it's not for a magazine. He said no. I go, at that stage I said, listen, man, this is all sounding pretty sus. Have you got the $200? And he's wearing like a, um, a collared short-sleeved business shirt. And he pulled the, um, $200 out from his top pocket and goes, 'Sure do.' And he flicked it out almost like a kerchief, and I saw all the $200, and I was like, 'Yeah, you're all good, bro. Let's shoot.' And he goes, 'All right.' And then we just shot for like 3 hours straight. And I remember thinking I was gonna die because, um, the number one rule on these jobs is you don't drink the drink and you don't eat the food because you just— it could be spiked.

Josh: Yeah.

Tommy: Who told you this?

Ash: I did. I came up with this.

Tommy: That's street smart.

Josh: Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's a unique situation because you see the girls wanted, uh, signs in Collingwood or whatever, and you're like, who the fuck is actually doing this? Who is actually calling up? Like, you've got to be pretty desperate. And so you're probably one of the only coherent fucking people who isn't on fucking drugs that are in these situations.

Ash: Well, there's always going to be someone willing to do a job. It doesn't matter what it is, if there's some money attached to it, there's going to be someone willing to do it, I think. Because people are at different stages in their life and, you know, people will do the job. So I was at this stage where I wanted the $200, and, um, I remember thinking, um, because he kept saying to me, oh, we need to put more massage oil on your abs. And, um, so you—

Josh: did you have like a top on or something? And then like the abs were coming.

Ash: So I was topless at this stage in like white fronts. So we would moved pretty fast. We actually started in the white fronts and I didn't really get out of them. And then he's like, more massage oil. And then I'm like, I remember going to the bathroom and not putting the massage oil on. I just splashed it with water. And then I—

Josh: Why is that?

Ash: Because I didn't want the oil to touch me because it could be infused with poison.

Josh: No, that's, that's so fair though.

Ash: It's fully true.

Mason: Yeah.

Ash: So then I come back and he's like taking shots and he's like looking at the screen going, 'Yeah, still not enough oil. Are you sure you put the oil on?' And I'm like, 'God, this guy's good.' I go, 'Look, man, let me go back and put some more on.' So then I got a bit of soap too and water, and I'm like, 'Oh no, that's like lathering up.' But no, but then I washed it off, and then I came back and he goes, 'Yeah, still not oily.' And then I just like, 'Fuck.' And then I just thought, 'I'm just gonna put the oil on.' I mean, what are the chances are that he's spiked it?

Tommy: I mean, to be honest, I think that's a real hard one, like putting poison into an oil.

Josh: Yeah, it's like I would have gotten a rash.

Tommy: Yeah, I don't think— I don't know, I don't think it would be the go-to for a criminal.

Ash: If you got a rash, if you did, like, it's like, that's the last of my worries.

Tommy: I just— like, ingesting— if—

Ash: is this poison gonna give me a rash? It's not. Okay, cool. Um, so then I, I was like, I put it on, and I remember like 5 minutes later feeling really drowsy.

Tommy: Oh no.

Ash: Yeah, I'm not even joking. So then I texted my buddy Simon Bell and I said, hey man, this is it, like code red. I've had a good run. Tell my mum that I love her, my brother that I love her. What did you—

Josh: what did you actually say? What was the— you sent a text message?

Ash: I said, I'm at this hotel, this room number. This guy's got me from Craigslist. He's just spiked the massage oil. Did you—

Josh: did you have the message sort of half written on go?

Tommy: No way.

Josh: No.

Ash: So I'm typing this up knowing that, like, the poison is going to get me. And I've got like 2 minutes, and then I'm like typing, and then I press send, and I'm still with it a bit. I'm like, oh my God, he hasn't written back. I'm like— and then I kind of just like— I literally passed out on the bed. I'm on this single bed, and I remember being asleep and my eyes kind of closing, and I thought, this is it, you're gonna die in this. This bastard's gotcha. And then I kind of just like relaxed, and I kind of just thought like, you know what, credit to this dude.

Josh: It's almost like when I go on a plane, I relax with the idea of that it's going to crash. Like, you know, you've got to do that. You've got to be like, oh, you know what? Yeah, yeah. As you take off, you're like, it's gonna fucking—

Ash: yeah, I'm just— oh no, if you're— yeah, no, no, no, that plane's already crashed. Yeah, yeah. Um, especially if you're flying Tiger, you can't expect to make it in one piece.

Tommy: It's been a good run.

Ash: Yeah. Um, I'd love to see like a straw poll too of like everyone on the plane who has already Accepted the death.

Josh: Yes.

Ash: I wonder if it's like, because sometimes when I'm on the plane, I'm like thinking, yeah, the plane's going to crash. But you're like, you don't want to put that out into the universe.

Josh: Yeah.

Ash: So you're like, oh well, we'll find out.

Tommy: I heard from our mate Mark Schenk, who was in the office earlier in the week. He was in the Air Force, but he said these bigger planes have 4 engines and they can run on only 2.

Josh: That was specifically about her.

Tommy: Yeah, but I was pretty confident in like the big jets that take you to LA. They've got more than one engine. There's probably 4 on there. So if 2 do blow out, it's unbelievable.

Josh: There was literally an air crash investigation video on this, on the A380, but it's still nearly fucking— remember, it nearly— it was like the Rolls-Royce engine. It was the big Qantas one. It nearly— they fucking— do you watch that stuff? Yeah.

Ash: Oh dude, what are you doing?

Josh: I know it's not ideal.

Ash: That is not ideal. And so anyway, how are you even fucking flying?

Josh: Well, it's accepting the fact that it's dead, like This is the— this is, to be honest, the way that I justify it is it's like, look, it takes all the pressure off in regards to having to fucking monetize the podcast. That's the first thing, right? And because— and the storey will be, fuck, they're only 6 months off being the biggest thing ever. Started just getting started. Just getting started.

Tommy: Sam, they may reach 500 episodes. What's our flight to LA? What date is that? That's the 31st. That's 502 episodes. At least we cracked the 500, boys.

Josh: But the thing is that it's the— it's pretty bleak. It's really bleak.

Ash: No, it's uplifting.

Tommy: I mean, you're the one who has to fly home in a couple of days to Sydney.

Ash: Yeah, I'm also going to LA too coming up.

Josh: But anyway, so no, so I just, I just think that when those things are going to happen, it's like, fuck, the storey that it's going to be in regard— like, I take the ego part of it, which is like, I'll probably be in the paper.

Ash: I don't know if you would be. No offense.

Josh: If an A380—

Ash: this is the thing, you want to get your career to a level where if you die in an airplane, you're in the paper, and then it's about what page you're going to be on. So you reckon you'll be in the paper? Yes. What page?

Tommy: I don't know. His first feature in Confidential. Yeah, Alice Costa's written about you. Poor struggling—

Ash: She's not doing Confidential.

Tommy: I know.

Josh: No.

Tommy: Oh yeah, who is it?

Ash: Do you not know that?

Tommy: No, I didn't know that.

Ash: Do you? You don't read the Herald Sun?

Tommy: I mean, I used to see you in there every fucking day. Yeah, you used to get in there.

Josh: Like, yeah, I would You know how you were texting your mate in that moment? I would be on the plane texting Mitch Catlin, trying to get into it. Do you know Mitch? Yeah, yeah, we do.

Tommy: Yeah.

Ash: Do you? Well, I know Mitch well.

Josh: Yeah, we've worked with Mitch a few times. Anyway, he's always— it feels like his mates are always in the fucking— is that confidential?

Ash: Yeah, because he's got a good relationship quid pro quo with confidential.

Josh: Yeah. Anyway, so no, but I think that I would be potentially in the paper. Yeah. Or at the very least a lot of tags on social media.

Tommy: The problem with this is you're, you're talking about the guy who's invented something, dies before the invention becomes—

Ash: I know, right?

Tommy: A huge thing, and doesn't get to reap any of the rewards of the invention. That's what you're saying.

Ash: Yeah.

Tommy: Can you find that out? Who invented something and then died, and then years later shot?

Ash: But you won't find it out because there'll be no fucking— no, no.

Mason: So it is all the wingsuits. People who were inventing them.

Tommy: The wingsuits, as in, you know, the base jumping?

Mason: Yeah, yeah, yeah, those ones. They were giving them a go and they were just like, yeah, they didn't work. And so everyone who tried them—

Tommy: the fucking guy, hang on, Steve Jobs. I mean, he died, he saw a bunch of his inventions come to life. He died at the perfect time, to be honest, because then Apple goes down.

Ash: Everyone's like, missing the point.

Josh: It's fucking Steve. Like, if Steve Jobs was here, they wouldn't be doing all these phones.

Ash: Steve Jobs died before Apple we wouldn't be talking about him.

Josh: And so yeah, he's saying you're not Steve Jobs, so we're not at that point.

Ash: Yeah, I'm saying, and I mean this with all due respect, you won't be in the paper, and I'll make sure that you're not on Twitter. Yeah, it was his dying wish that no one mentioned it.

Tommy: Yeah, the podcast, guys, the Gronk Squad, if it— if we do fuck up and when something does happen, please get us in the paper.

Josh: Yeah, I feel like, yeah, there should be— I would hope for something.

Ash: No, I'm joking. Oh, you, you would, you would definitely get something.

Josh: But I'm curious, I'm actually curious, would you?

Ash: Fuck off, mate.

Josh: Now, what would the conversation be?

Ash: Fucking off your face. Of course he would, mate. I do think about it a bit, but like when you see someone on the, um, aeroplane, you think, ah, they're gonna take top billing. Like, you know, I might see Guy Sebastian or like, uh Even Nikki Webster was on once. I was like, oh, she's just been on The Masked Singer, this isn't good. And then—

Josh: but you're like your own webster flies Tiger?

Ash: No, I fly Jetstar sometimes now. Oh really? Yeah.

Josh: And do they always weigh your bag? Which we're thinking about flying Jetstar, but no, we have to—

Ash: They don't always wait back. No. Um, but um, yeah, I was gonna say what we said.

Josh: Well, uh, what I want to know is about this oil.

Ash: So you're laying down there playing thing. Oh yeah, yeah, no, I'd get— I reckon front page. I'm not even joking.

Josh: I think that it'll—

Ash: fuck off, mate.

Josh: I think that the whole plane, the plane going down, dog, the plane— let's be fair, the plane going down is going to every single time be front page.

Ash: You know what would be good? Yeah, you fake your own death.

Josh: Well, we're talking about this yesterday on yesterday's show.

Ash: We're talking about parents, unless they're terrible actors, and you go, sorry, I just couldn't tell you, your acting's not up to scratch.

Josh: What's the idea of being able to be at your funeral? Because you actually—

Ash: No, no, no. You tell them before that, mate. That's really dark that you said that. Are you like going to pop out of the coffin? Haha, surprise, I have 50,000 new followers.

Josh: No, there is something fun about the—

Ash: Would you want to know? I wouldn't want to know what people think. No, who turned up to your funeral?

Josh: Oh yeah, I like that.

Ash: That should be a real fucking fork in the road.

Tommy: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Josh: But you think— I think that the best would come out, don't you think?

Ash: No, but you know what? Death is a great leveller and everyone fucking gets around it.

Josh: Yeah, that's what I mean.

Ash: That's what you'd be like. You'd be feeling like we would.

Tommy: Yeah.

Josh: Like everyone's just like, oh, you know what? Even people that you might have had a falling out with, they'll probably in that moment reconcile it all and yeah, get there. And then you can be there fucking greeting them.

Ash: Yeah, you pop out. Yeah, you're wearing a disguise like Masked Singer, the Masked Funeral or something like that. And then like White Lady Funerals, you're wearing just a white hat. And you go up to the person who you didn't think was turning up. Yeah, hey, didn't think you were going to show. And were you on good terms with Josh when, uh, when he passed? You were? And then you take the fucking mask off.

Josh: I don't mind that as well.

Tommy: It's a concept.

Ash: It's a good reality show. That's actually— yeah, that's actually not bad.

Josh: I could imagine something in Japan or something.

Ash: We are so close to that. Yeah, fake funerals. Yeah, that is coming out. God, this is it.

Josh: Fake funerals.

Ash: I mean, you can't get much lau.

Josh: Do you want to see if that demands as well?

Tommy: It's very dark.

Ash: It really is.

Tommy: And so networks are desperate.

Josh: So you clearly, you're still alive now even after the oil thing, but I'm guessing it was a placebo, was it?

Ash: It really was. And the correct use of placebo it was, was, um, it was like a psychosomatic thing because I, I fell asleep for like 5 minutes.

Tommy: What did you tell him?

Ash: Nothing. I've got a photo of the, like, the actual moment where I thought I was dying. I'm on the bed in wife runs wearing like a seashell necklace that he made me wear. And then I kind of just passed out, released, you know, to the world. Yeah. And then I woke up like 5 minutes later and I just— I was tired.

Tommy: I was just tired.

Josh: Do you think he was panicked?

Ash: Was he panicked? Oh, he would have thought that he got me. But it turns out he didn't, um, poison the—

Josh: yeah, of course, there was no poison.

Ash: Yeah, but when I woke up, I was like, I felt like I'd been reborn, you know, like the second coming.

Josh: Did you make Simon write back? No, no.

Ash: And then I left that, and then I'm like, I'm driving home, like, you know, hey mate, you still need me? No, no, I said, what the fuck? I called him up, I said, Simon, you fucking prick, I never send these messages. And this was serious this time. And he's like, oh yeah, sorry, man. I just knew you'd be fine. I'm like, yeah, well, you're right. I'm okay. You want to get a drink? He's like, yeah, sure. But yeah, there's always— you got to be careful. Yeah, but we're going into those situations that could end badly. I'm just— I am— I pride myself on knowing my surrounds.

Tommy: Yeah, you're street smart. I mean, it's a weird one because you're street smart, but you also play on the streets hard. I mean, that's—

Josh: what does that mean?

Tommy: The metaphor of— yeah, so you're street smart, you have the knowledge of the streets.

Mason: Yes.

Tommy: But you could then say, oh well, I don't enter into the streets because I understand how dangerous it is. And then this guy going to these hotel rooms, it's like, I know this shit happens, but yet I enter into it.

Josh: The thing is, have you thought about doing it? Could we do a documentary on you doing this stuff, or are you done with it?

Ash: No, I'd do it. I mean, I was gonna do a doco and all that stuff, but it just wasted a lot of my time. I used to have meetings with all these fucking LA people about your adventures. Yeah, we're doing a show. I had like fucking so many meetings, so many meetings with this one dude, like probably 30 meetings.

Tommy: And was it a Craigslist organised meeting? Because it might have been all bullshit.

Ash: These dudes are big. They've got like an office in Santa Monica. They do like, um, big movies.

Tommy: What was the appeal?

Ash: Because I—

Tommy: yeah, mate of mine's in talks with some networks and stuff, and he, and he just says like, this is step 1 of 17. And so you know, when do you know it's gonna fucking happen?

Ash: You don't until you're on set.

Josh: Yeah.

Ash: And even then, it's, it's until it goes to air.

Tommy: And so the meetings that you were having, what was it for?

Ash: What was it for? Give us the, give us basically my, um, odd jobs that I was doing and how I was making money in LA. And then it was going to be hard to kind of replicate that, but we're just going to try and dummy it up and use actors and shit. But I don't know, man, I think you've got to have the real thing. You need, you need to be doing it, um, for real.

Josh: Well, yeah, that's the thing, it's the authenticity. Like, how can you take that sort of moment and how you were doing it? I mean, I think you could do it in this day and age easier because it would just be Insta— Ash's Insta storeys and fucking saving him down or whatever, the different types of content. Totally.

Tommy: What about— so a comedian like you who uses the stimulus of life to write your content. So it's like you are reflecting on storeys that have happened and you've put yourself into situations. It's interesting, Josh and I thinking about like rather than sort of living in the past with all the shit we've done, right now is the storeys of the future past. So like in the future, this will be our past. So it's like you can get caught up in fucking trying to live this, live this now. Like, but not doing the cool shit, not doing the sort of out there crazy shit because you're trying to make something else work, your comedy, you know. You can do both.

Ash: You can, you can do both. It's just like, um, you talk a lot about, um, Barefoot Investor's buckets. You just got different buckets going. Is he still, uh, I don't read his stuff, man, but, uh, he's sat in this seat right here.

Josh: Have you got ING?

Ash: I actually do, weirdly enough. I don't want to talk about it, but I will. I got paid money for a job that was— it came before I'd done the job, so I thought I'd been paid incorrectly. So I quickly like took— I emptied my bank account, like shut it down, and I called ING and said, listen, I need to reactivate my other account. I just like drained it from one account to ING. So everything's now in ING.

Josh: Yeah. So, and it turned out they just paid you early.

Ash: They paid me early, but you never know.

Josh: I remember looking at it, I was like, was it a reflection on you though to think, fuck, I acted quick, I'm proud of that?

Tommy: Hang on, wait, wait, I'm trying to get it.

Josh: Are you— so he thought that there was a bunch of cash that just entered into his account?

Tommy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm getting.

Josh: It was his own money. It's literally being like finding 50 bucks on the ground, fucking quickly picking it up, putting the pocket, realising it's yours.

Tommy: Yeah, the amount of storeys of cash getting deposited into people's accounts that was mistaken, like $100,000, or it was like a million dollars.

Josh: You have to pay it back though.

Tommy: Of course, but these—

Ash: do you though?

Tommy: These people, the best thing is, did you take it?

Josh: Did you spend it? That's the thing, you did some silly shit with that money.

Tommy: Did you?

Ash: Well, that's why I moved it, because if they said, oh, we, we incorrectly paid you, let's, you know, give it back, I'm like, sorry, that account has nothing in it.

Tommy: It's actually the same mindset of the guy who doesn't pay his parking fines because he thinks if you don't pay them, they don't exist. And that's you.

Ash: Yeah, it's not that I don't think that they exist, it's that why would you pay them? But anyway, um, I did go down a rabbit hole.

Josh: There's this guy, um, The Nomad Capitalist. He talks all about, um, taxation and how to minimise taxation. People live in different countries and all that sort of shit. It was just fascinating seeing all these people on YouTube commenting, being like, I'll never declare any money with the IRS. And then you haven't entered into a contract and then you fucking don't owe them anything.

Tommy: Fucking crazy. Who was it? Um, Wesley Snipes. Oh, he did time. Did he? I'm pretty sure Wesley Snipes did time in jail for tax evasion. How many years did he do?

Ash: I don't know.

Josh: Who is he?

Ash: Wesley Snipes from, um, White Men Can't Jump.

Tommy: Right.

Josh: Uh, you know him, don't you? No, I don't know.

Tommy: You've got some real big gaps in your, uh, intellect. Like, no, but like, I mean, it's just pop culture.

Ash: No, but there are some things you should know.

Tommy: You didn't know who Post Malone was when we bumped into Post Malone.

Ash: Yeah, that's— you should. Come on, are you 29?

Josh: 29, yeah.

Ash: God, you should know that.

Tommy: How many years did Wesley Snipes serve? 3 years.

Ash: Yeah, fucking hell.

Tommy: For tax evasion. He thought, I don't have to pay my taxes.

Josh: What do you think we should, uh, just before we, uh, leave you, uh, the quick one today.

Ash: It's good.

Josh: Yeah, the, uh, we got the domain name theweeklytalkshow.com.

Tommy: Mm-hmm.

Josh: What do you think we should do with it? Should we do another podcast?

Ash: And what would be your best episode for the week?

Josh: We're trying to work that out. We're thinking maybe it was meta and it could be about like, uh, doing something regularly and we could actually have people on or something. What do you think?

Ash: I don't know, man. It's a bit of an interesting one. What if you don't want to have too many things going?

Tommy: How many things you got going?

Ash: Plenty. But like, you know, I kind of just have every ball up. You guys are like putting a lot of work into the Daily Talk Show. If you've got time for this weekly thing and it's not gonna, you know, if you add— I don't know, I actually don't have an answer for that. Um, let me have a think.

Josh: Yeah, well, the main reason I have to go is because in 23 minutes— this is a very Ash Williams style problem— in 23 minutes Telstra shuts off my phone. Because I remember I got a phone call yesterday and said, hi, this is Telstra, an important message for Joshua Jansen. And they— the way they sold it in is it's like, oh, uh, we would need to tell you an important message about, uh, a disruption into your— in your service. I'm like, oh, disruption, fuck, they're doing something with the, the poles or whatever. And you click through and they're like, the disruption's happening because you haven't paid $59 or whatever. And so anyway, they said Uh, yeah, it's happening tomorrow at 5.

Ash: So what's—

Josh: okay, so I need to just pay in the next 23 minutes.

Ash: Oh fuck, we gotta just— we've got 15 minutes and just pay it online.

Josh: Yeah, yeah.

Ash: Oh mate, relax, you got ages. Um, I don't think the weekly talk show— yeah, I don't know about it. I just had to think about it. I think it's going to, um, muddy the daily positioning of the daily talk show.

Josh: Yeah, I think it's a good point.

Ash: You don't have to explain like, oh no, that's for that, that's for that. It's like, fuck man.

Josh: It's a good point. We do 7 days now, so we don't really need it. Like, the weekly— it was almost like what I was thinking is, ahaha, it would be funny April 1st next year we just change the logo of the daily talk show on our website and we redirect to theweeklytalkshow.com, and then we say, ah, we're rebranding.

Ash: Unless you call it something else, I would take talk show off and you call it the weekly something so they're mutually exclusive in a sense.

Josh: Well, I sort of liked the No, I like it.

Tommy: We're real-time trying to sort this shit out. We're real-time creating right now. Yeah, nothing's fucked.

Josh: Have you got any— have you got the politics deal or not?

Ash: Oh mate, you don't mean to mention that, but uh, you can.

Tommy: Uh, you got any upcoming stuff? You stand up tour?

Ash: Yeah, I'm doing live, um, podcast for the Ash William Show. That's going well all around Australia except most cities. No, but I'm doing, um, Sydney, Gold Coast, Brizzy. So what's— maybe Perth.

Tommy: What's your movements on the 29th of October? It's a Tuesday.

Josh: You're getting real admin-y.

Ash: Is it actually?

Josh: Yeah, 29th.

Tommy: I'm in Brisbane. Are you doing a show in Brizzy?

Ash: Uh, yeah, because I might be flying back that day.

Josh: You're on the 28th, aren't you?

Ash: Yeah, I'm doing, um, some Brisbane stand-up shows that week, and then I come back.

Josh: Well, because, because we, we are celebrating episode 500, and the dream was we're like, oh, we should get Ash to do like a set before the show.

Ash: Oh, you're gonna do a live show?

Tommy: You've got 100 people coming. They're all gone.

Josh: AU79, it's in Abbotsford. Just, uh, so it's on a Tuesday, Tuesday night.

Ash: I'll try, I just don't know if I can, but, um, yeah, I'd like to.

Josh: It would have been fun.

Ash: Yeah, man. Yeah, man, I'd love to do it.

Tommy: Um, look, if we can make it work, we make it work.

Ash: Yeah. So LA for you too.

Josh: Um, when are you going to LA?

Ash: You're just going to LA? Uh, so now that I've got that cash, I—

Josh: Is that in your account?

Ash: Fucking earth it.

Josh: You fucking pull it straight away?

Ash: Well, yeah, it's in the other account.

Tommy: It's—

Josh: Wait, was this— Oh, was this this one? What you're talking about just happened this week.

Ash: Yeah. So I'm now— My whole year's changed. So I'm like just like messaging people. I'm like writing back like, I'm back.

Josh: Didn't have the client Did it not have the client name?

Tommy: So quick that it didn't have the, you know, sometimes.

Ash: Yeah, I actually got the, um, 3 days later I got like an email saying it's from that. But, um, but look, you can't be too careful. I'm still keeping it in the ING.

Josh: Have you paid, um, you know, last time we spoke, landlord, you know, payments? You were—

Ash: no, no, no, I owe rent. I owe rent. As, uh, it's probably a month ago actually.

Josh: Yeah, do you think it's probably worth You don't have to do what I say.

Ash: Pay up front.

Josh: Yeah, maybe just say, hey mate, I know that I've been a bit fucked, here's the next month in advance.

Ash: No, you gotta pay a month in advance anyway. What are you saying, 2 months in advance? No, fuck you, fuck you, mate. I'm like your Telstra thing, I'll pay him later. And then, um, but, uh, no, I'm going to LA and New York for like 2 weeks doing like some podcasts, doing some stand-up.

Josh: Did you book that? Was this like, if I get this job, I'm booking this shit in? Is that how it happened?

Ash: Pretty much.

Tommy: What dates are you there?

Ash: Uh, I haven't booked it, but no, I'm going. I'm definitely going.

Josh: Flights are really cheap at the moment.

Ash: I know.

Josh: Yeah, Virgin. So for the 3 of us to go, guess what we paid?

Ash: Uh, return? Return for the 3 of us?

Josh: $3,000? $2,900 something. Yeah, less than $1,000 each.

Ash: That is good. With Virgin.

Josh: Virgin Australia direct flights. Direct to LA. Yeah, that's good. From Melbourne.

Ash: Wow. Yeah, I, um, I told you I went on a date with this girl who's a Virgin hostie. Yeah, did I tell you that? And she said that she wants to put me on her friends and family.

Tommy: Great. Just pay the tax.

Ash: I hadn't even kissed her and she said, do you want to be on friends and family?

Tommy: Yeah, mate, it's called she's locking you down.

Ash: Yeah, but now we've kissed a couple of times and there's been no further mention of friends and family, so I'm wondering how do I bring it up.

Josh: And so because we, we had a mate—

Tommy: send her this link to the podcast.

Josh: We had a mate the other day who flew, I was flying to Dubai or somewhere, and, uh, he had a woman come up to him and said, hey, I've got these extra bags, I need to cheque them in, but I don't have enough bag allowance. But if you come in with me and put the bags under your name, you can fly business with me because I can do that. And he was like, yeah, sure. And so flew business. Flew business.

Ash: Wow. Wow.

Josh: That sounds like a storey that you would get involved in.

Ash: It actually does.

Tommy: Cowboys for Princesses.

Ash: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Josh: For Angels.

Ash: Yeah, for Angels. And also that show Cowboys for Angels, that was actually a casting racket for Gigolos, which is on pay TV. You might have seen it. It's like, uh, that's the show.

Tommy: So Garen is the executive producer of Gigolos, but he also, also is a gigolo on the side.

Ash: Yes, he's an actual gigolo, and I would have been on the show.

Josh: Oh, so it was a whole ruse?

Ash: Yeah, but you, but you actually are doing the job.

Josh: Like, you, you— it takes the sting out of it when it's all for entertainment.

Ash: A bit of a shock for mum. Like, you know, seriously, you should watch it. She's like, I thought you were, uh, working as an actor. I am.

Josh: So that LA-New York thing, do you want to— you should try and, uh, talk online. So the 1st of November to the 10th of November.

Ash: No, no, no, so that's when you're there.

Josh: That's when we're there.

Ash: Yeah, I can probably come, um, end of—

Mason: end of that.

Ash: Yeah, end of that. Um, that'd be pretty cool.

Tommy: You have some good contacts there, won't you?

Ash: Yeah, tons.

Josh: Um, Surely like the last day, wouldn't it be fun to do some form of Australian podcast? Yeah, with the bunch or whatever.

Ash: How do you broadcast over there? I suppose just like you do when you're in Sydney.

Josh: Yeah.

Tommy: Oh, we're taking that. We're actually packing down the whole studio.

Josh: Everything's going.

Ash: This is the best. I'm going to say it's the best podcast studio in Australia. Is it? Well, for just, you know, a podcast that is a podcast and that alone, I'd say it's the best podcast Studio N team.

Josh: I know, we appreciate it. We'll put it as—

Ash: it's fucking crazy, mate.

Josh: It's crazy.

Tommy: Let's package that one up and get it out.

Josh: Yeah, yeah. Um, okay, so definitely, so potentially, because if, if you arrive in LA first and then fly on to New York, maybe you do LA for a couple of days, the 8th, 9th, and 10th or some shit. If I can— then when we fly out to back to Melbourne, you go on to New York.

Ash: That's right. Where are you staying?

Josh: We haven't worked it out yet.

Tommy: A bunch of Airbnbs. All right, okay, maybe near Fairfax, the third. Yeah, West Hollywood, the Grove.

Ash: Yeah, I mean, if there's a spare bedroom, I mean, I'm fucking—

Josh: oh, maybe you could go in on— yeah, we could.

Tommy: No, seriously, he's asking for a free—

Ash: I know, I know, but then I know, but like, you know, I'll chip in. Yeah, no, I'm serious, I'm not trying to scooch.

Tommy: No, no, I appreciate it. We're looking for it. We're looking for— the thing about finding a place that isn't just one bed and then like trundles in the fucking lounge room is that the step up is a 2-bedder that then has 7 beds available. Like, that's how they step it. It's like, well, we're getting all these people that want 2 rooms and then like a shitload of others.

Josh: What about this? What about this? You give us a bunch of cash for the accommodation up front, but here we go. No, I think this is quite a good deal.

Tommy: Hang on.

Josh: Um, we'll do— we can film any of the episodes you do in LA for some sort— like, there could be some sort of, sort of arrangement there. We've got great video equipment and all that, all the audio gear.

Ash: Yeah, definitely. I'm wondering where I'll record actually. So maybe, um, just quickly before we finish up, what's going on with the Nando's thing? Because last time, you know, 2 episodes back, you said you're gonna get me a Nando's, uh, card or some—

Tommy: I can't—

Ash: relationship. Every time we go to Nando's and I'm paying fucking retail, I want to kill you, pricks.

Tommy: We work, we work closely with Nando's. We were emceeing an event the other night for Nando's, uh, and at that same event every person that came to the Nando's event got a free $100 Diddy voucher broken up into 5 lots of $20. And so the way you rolled up, which was quite, quite funny today, you got here, I ordered you a Diddy from the Nando's in Clarendon Street in South Melbourne.

Ash: Yeah.

Tommy: Which is amazing because it was only an $18 Diddy, so I didn't pay a cent.

Ash: Oh, right. Yeah. But you shouted me the Diddy.

Tommy: Well, Nando's shouted you the Diddy pretty much.

Josh: Diddy, shay.

Ash: Nando's.

Josh: Yeah, what do you enjoy at Nando's?

Ash: But I paid for the Nando's at Clarendon, let me just say that.

Josh: So I said to the dude, well, fuck, it's Friday, I hope you did the WTF meal, which for $11 at the moment you get 4 ribs, a quarter chicken, and chips.

Ash: No, I didn't do it.

Josh: $11.

Ash: I'm not eating ribs, man.

Josh: Ribs?

Tommy: What'd you eat then?

Ash: I got a wrap.

Josh: Classic or Supremo?

Ash: Classic. But I've gone to the guy, mate, what do you think? Chips? And he goes, yeah. And, um, very, very. And I go, he goes, regular or large? And I go, up to you, what do you think? And he goes, large. And I'm like, yeah, I knew you're gonna say that, you liar.

Josh: And that's what they all do, don't they?

Tommy: Of course, that's their job.

Ash: But if you said regular, and then I would have gone, you know what, here's $20 tip.

Josh: Do you know what, like, literally, I'm not paying for my bloody Uber, my Didi, to the boys because it's being It's being honest. Bree and I have had a couple of times, actually, this was the most embarrassing. San Francisco, the Cheesecake Factory. Fucking, they do the big, not burrito, what is it fucking called? No, they do like a big Mexican dish. You know the Cheesecake Factory?

Tommy: It was one in the Grove.

Ash: Yeah.

Josh: And they did like big smoothies, like big milkshakes and all that sort of thing. And so Bree and I, we got, I got my burrito. Must have been like a— it's all like a wet burrito, you know, like they fucking put like salsa and shit on it. Uh, milkshake. And then we were sharing a cheesecake. It was a French woman—

Tommy: a whole cheesecake?

Josh: No, like just a slice. There was a French woman who worked there and she said, oh, it seems like a bit too much food for the two of you. And it was like a real fucking aha moment when the waitress is like fucking calling you out for how much you've ordered.

Tommy: In America?

Ash: Yeah, in America.

Tommy: And so we said— I said, no, I think we're—

Josh: I think I know what I can handle.

Tommy: Are you going to back up?

Josh: Yeah.

Ash: And you ate it?

Josh: I ate the whole thing. Fucking nearly vomited.

Tommy: Yeah, you just proved, proved they're wrong.

Ash: Was that when you were trying to lose weight, or that was when?

Josh: Uh, no, that would, uh, that would have been— fuck, San Francisco.

Ash: That was the start of it.

Tommy: The good years, 2012.

Ash: Yeah.

Josh: Now when would that have been? That's a good, good question. No, I reckon 2014. Yeah, I was probably at the Hunji kilos or something. So not, not, not at my peak 120.

Ash: No, no, no, but still you can put it away. Yeah, you've got the gears.

Josh: Yeah. Um, that's great. Well, thank you, guys. Yeah, where are people getting the tickets to your show?

Ash: ashwilliams.com.au/gigs.

Josh: And how's the mugs?

Ash: Shows, /shows.

Josh: They're actually—

Tommy: fuck, it'll be in the show notes.

Josh: We've got 10 minutes before Telstra. Patreon. Yeah, you're asking Mr. 97. And so you were one of the latest. I'm thinking about being a $10 supporter. Yep, that gets me a mug.

Ash: Gets you a mug. Like, uh, so you're already ahead really because the mug's worth $30.

Josh: How can you afford to do it?

Ash: Because I want to give back at the start to the people who are giving to me.

Tommy: That's generous.

Ash: Me scratching your back. It's not about making money, it's about me saying thank you.

Josh: Do you have a mug? Do you have a mug with you now if I was to do the $10?

Ash: No, but I guess you still—

Josh: next week you owe mugs to other people.

Ash: No, I owe no mugs. No, I mean no mug deficit. I mean a hat deficit. A lot of people I owe merch to in terms of hats.

Josh: And so why is the mug different?

Ash: Because, uh, because I have lots of mugs. I'm out of the hats, but I'm still accepting orders for the hats. Yeah, I, I, I'm selling a lot of hats without, without actually having any.

Josh: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a lot, isn't it?

Ash: Yeah, people know I haven't got the hats. I said, look, I'm not going to remove the sales link, but you need to understand I don't have the hats. And they're like, that's so funny. And then they're like giving me their credit card. So I'm like, what's wrong with you?

Josh: Yeah. And so do you think now that you have the extra bit of cash?

Ash: No, no, I'm not going to be wasting on the hats.

Josh: There is a place like all the US malls have them, but I know that fucking the Grove, they have these embroidery businesses in the fucking centre where you just go and get a hat and they'll fucking do all of that.

Ash: How much?

Josh: Good question.

Tommy: Expensive per unit.

Josh: $25.

Ash: No way, man. No, fuck that. But if you come on board, anyone who is $10 or more gets a free mug. And thank you to Mr. 97 for emailing me back. It was— I will read it. No, no, there was some good stuff in there.

Josh: He loves a long email.

Ash: My flick through was fucking massive, to be honest. Did he?

Josh: Yeah, it was huge.

Tommy: You know that costs us money. Yeah, yeah.

Ash: No, no, it was more like links, but it was like fully detailed.

Tommy: I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's on the clock.

Ash: He's gonna— no, no, no, but that—

Josh: it was on a Sunday. That's why it's such a good piece.

Ash: Because I'm here now again, you know, doing, um, doing the pod because Mr. 97 did the right thing by me.

Tommy: Okay, amazing.

Ash: Um, what do you get out of coming on the show? Not much, mate. I don't know. Um, I do it because I do a lot of pods because sometimes I remember storeys that I haven't told. So, you know, last time we did the pod too, I told that fire sale story. I told probably 2 or 3 storeys I haven't even told. I forgot about him. But yeah, I think it's always worth doing that.

Tommy: And when, when you smooth the deal over with a free diddy here.

Josh: Yeah, it's unbelievable.

Ash: That wasn't good, by the way, that diddy. So again, a diddy is like an endorsement. So Nando's is way worse. So this guy, he must have had like a sniffling disease or something like. So he was like, I think he had Ebola. I'm not even joking. So like Ebola, I caught the sniffles within 2 minutes.

Josh: Do you reckon this was maybe that whole oil thing again?

Ash: Do you reckon you maybe had that? No, what's it called?

Josh: The psychosomatic.

Tommy: I immediately feel sick if someone next to me on a plane is coughing. Like, like you can tell they have a cold.

Ash: Yeah, that's not that bad.

Josh: I've got 7 minutes. Look, we're gonna run because I don't even know. Do you think if I pay PayPal you'll be right? Will they fucking do that straight away? Okay, I do. But I've got PayPal Cash, so I want to fucking just use that up. But I'll just try credit card.

Tommy: Credit card's instant. Okay, anyway, um, thanks for coming on.

Ash: And if anyone from, um you know, this listenership, uh, goes through patreon.com/ashwilliamsshow, I will give them something else because I just want to see if anyone is even listening. So maybe I—

Josh: how did they let you know?

Ash: Uh, you can write a message on my Patreon or just DM me on, um, Insta, Ash Williams 1. Um, I cheque that like literally every 10 minutes.

Tommy: So just, um, maybe, I don't know, I'll, I'll just get on to the man.

Ash: Yeah, just get on to it. I'll write you, I'll write you, write to you, I'll write you back. No, no, I'll get you something better than that. Could you leave us an Apple Podcast of you? Yeah, sure, sure.

Josh: Can we watch you do it just after this?

Ash: Yeah, you can do it through my phone. I usually do that, you know what I mean? Yeah, it gives you phone, man.

Josh: Yeah, Apple Store type of vibe.

Ash: Yeah, but I don't care about ratings anymore. I don't look at it. Who cares? I could, man. It doesn't, doesn't make a difference whether you get 5 or 1. I mean, it's like, you know what I mean? People who like it are gonna like it. There's always gonna be people who rate 1. I've got so many like people writing, like a lot of like ex-girlfriends and stuff. Yeah, they're I don't know where they're getting all these burner phones.

Josh: And they also get in the Team Effort one as well.

Ash: They gave Team Effort one. Um, Team Effort, yeah, that was— we knew then, yeah, that it was, uh, still your audience. Yeah, a jilted lover.

Josh: All right, um, all right, great. It's The Daily Talk Show. If you want to, uh, be like Ash and leave a review, feel free. Otherwise, you can email us hi@thedailytalkshow.com. Check out his Patreon.

Mason: Before we wrap up, yeah, happy birthday, Wayne.

Josh: Happy birthday to you.

Tommy: Wayne Pence, happy birthday to you. Great man. Happy birthday, dear Wayne. Happy birthday to you.

Josh: Hip hip hooray!

Tommy: Hip hip hooray! Thanks, you grump.

Josh: Quickly, LA fact.

Mason: Oh, give me one second.

Josh: I've got 5 minutes before my phone— 'Cause you know what happens, like, once I've got to disconnect your phone, it's hard.

Mason: There's a massive emerald in LA valued at $500 million to $1 billion sitting in the LA County Sheriff Department because, uh, it's got contested ownership, so no one actually owns it. So it's just sitting in the Sheriff's Department.

Josh: That's cool. All right, thanks.

Ash: What was that for?

Josh: All right, catch you guys.

Ash: What's this from?

Tommy: See you guys.

Ash: See you guys.

Josh: See ya.